Ultimate Q
by mynamemattersnot
Summary: Q returns to mess with the crew of the Enterprise and the crew of the original Enterprise and they must work together to figure out a way to truly stop him. Problem is it might be impossible. Or is it?
1. Pocirld

**Chapter 1: Pocirld:**

 **Author's Note: As requested by Snowfrost and ChystalK114 I will now write a new Star Trek crossover because I am a "goddess of crossovers". Thank you Snowfrost! :)! I own nothing.**

Picard woke up to Q standing over him and watching him.

"Good morning, Pocirld. Captain James T. Kirk says hi." Q greeted.

"Q, I have no times for your games or for you to make fun of my name and I doubt you meet the real James T. Kirk." Picard replied.

"Oh, but I have. I'll prove it."

"Q! This bett-"

Q snapped his fingers and Picard and Kirk and their crews were in an arena together.

"What the hell! Q you promised to leave us alone!" Kirk yelled.

"You should know by now that I don't keep promises." Q replied.

"And who are you? Are you that Poclard guy that Q mentioned?" Kirk asked Picard.

"It's Picard and yes. Formalities can wait though. We must find a way out of Q's game." Picard replied.

"Agreed."

Q laughed and made McCoy dance like a madman.

"Q!" Picard and Kirk yelled simultaneously.

"What I'm just having fun! Remember when you guys danced naked for me. Wasn't that fun?"

"Q, you better not-"

Q forced McCoy and Troi to dance naked. Both of them looked ashamed but Q just laughed and laughed.

"Q, you better stop this right now or I'll-"

"And remember how I turned Chekov into a duck?"

"Q don't you dare-"

Suddenly, Chekov was turned into a Russia flag.

"Dammit Q, turn him back and please make this dancing stop! I'm a doctor not a porn star!" McCoy yelled.

"Relax, Chekov is better as a mindless object anyways and I enjoy your dancing immensely." Q replied.

"Dammit Q, I'm tired of you!" Kirk yelled punching Q in the face.

"My Q. You dare hit a god like me?! I will smite you!"

Kirk was suddenly turned into a dog and Uhura gasped. Kirk growled at Q. Q rolled his eyes and made a vacuum cleaner appear. He then turned it on and Kirk wimpered.

"That's better! Now bow before your god!"

"Q, you are no god!" Picard exclaimed.

"Yeh, it just seems like your a big bully to me." Uhura added.

"Am I? Would a bully give you this?" Q said snapping his fingers.

Uhura was suddenly in a beautiful fur coat wearing a diamond necklace and pure gold earrings.

"This is nice and all, but I still think you are a bully and I'll prove it."

"Oh I like to see you and that useless dog try." Q replied.

"You can't mean-"

"Oh I wasn't talking about Kirk. I was talking about Picard."

"See? You are a bully and I will make you see that and I will make you leave all of us alone for good."

Q laughed, "Yeh right."

 **Author's Note: Okay this one was pulling on some strings. It will be cooler maybe if I had some of your ideas. Just a suggestion.**


	2. Nerd Alert

**Chapter 2: Nerd Alert:**

 **Author's Note: Fine Snowfrost you can be in it... if only I can be in it too (I won't be using my real name though. I want to stay mysterious!) Sorry, I don't watch My Little Pony. I don't own Star Trek.**

"You know my lady there is something more annoying than me that'll make you forget that I'm a quote on quote bully." Q said.

"Yeh right," Uhura replied.

Q smiled and snapped his fingers and there were suddenly dozens of Star Trek fans. The fans went crazy and started asking question after question. Two fans stood out the most as they simply just smiled a creepy crazy smile and waited for their own chance to talk to their favorite characters. One was a female with short brown blonde hair and brown eyes and was around the age of nineteen. The other had copper hair, grey eyes, and tan skin and was around the age of fourteen.

"So which one of you is the bigger Star Trek fan?" Q asked them.

They both raised their hands.

"Okay, let's start with something easier. What are your names?"

"Margaret." Said the one with copper hair.

"My name doesn't matter." Said the one with brown blonde hair.

Q looked annoyed, "Can you please just tell me your name?!"

"Mary," I lied.

Q rolled his eyes but smiled, "What about a contest? Whoever can annoy Uhura the most wins."

We both tried to annoy Uhura but she ignored us both. Q laughed thoroughly entertained by our pathetic attempt to catch Uhura's attention. Meanwhile, one of the nerds had taken to poking Worf. Worf had a look of "I'm going to kill you" on his face, but merely just stood there like a statue. The other nerds tried to play with Kirk as a dog, but Kirk only growled every once in a while at Q. Sulu just was the only one enjoying the nerd fest and was happy with signing autographs and taking pictures with fans. Q though got bored of all of it so made it rain "My Little Pony" dolls. Some of the fans squeled with joy. Some looked annoyed and irritated. The rest didn't care for or know about the show.

Q laughed at the reactions to the pony dolls and laughed even harder as Kirk tore one up. He snapped his fingers and Kirk was human again yelling incoherently at Q. The fans freaked out and were all over him in an instant. Some of them ripped up his shirt. They weren't even there for a minute and already Kirk looked as if he had one of his classic fights. Q laughed. He was enjoying himself immensely and already planning on how to make everyone's annoyance at him more extreme.

 **Author's Note: Da duh duh! What does Q have planned? Review and find out! Oh and tell me if you liked this chapter!**


	3. Uhura Fan Challenge

**Chapter 3: Uhura Fan Challenge:**

 **Author's Note: Okay TFALokiwriter let's try your wacky idea. I don't own Q or the Star Treks. This is just for pure fun.**

Q snapped his fingers and Chekov was back to normal.

"I thought you were going to do something bad." Uhura commented.

"Oh but I am." Q said smiling.

He made a giant tyrannosaurus rex appear and it chased around Chekov for a while.

"How could you? You're worse than the dinosaur!"

"No I'm not!"

"Well, I bet you're not more powerful than a dinosaur. I like to see you take it on all by yourself with no powers, no magic, no tricks."

"Ha, like I'm going to do that."

The fans all looked at him and Q began to feel uncomfortable with all the stares.

"What do you want?" He asked.

"Fight the dinosaur! Fight the dinosaur! Fight the dinosaur! Fight the dinosaur!" They began to chant.

Q quickly became quite annoyed, "Okay, okay. I will fight the dinosaur."

The fans cheered.

"Man, you all are crazy and I'm even crazier for listening to you." Q said pushing Chekov away from the dinosaur and then stood in front of it. The dinosaur came after him and he ran around trying to get away from it. It was a truly terrifying experience, but he remembered the rumor that this particular dinosaur could only see movement so Q tried to remain still. It didn't actually work and the dinosaur tried to eat him, but Q was faster than the beast. It fell over trying to get him and Q laughed and laughed.

"Looks like I won." Q boasted.

"How could you win against a Russian animal?" Chekov asked.

"Oh, come on! How could you possibly know where it came from?"

"I know it came from Russia."

"No it didn't."

"Yes, it did."

"You know you make Russians sound stupid."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do."

"Shut up both of you! The dinosaur is trying to stand back up." Kirk warned.

"Oh like it can stand up with those big fat legs and tiny baby arms." Q replied.

Q smirked at the dinosaur's pathetic attempt to stand and poked it in the eye again and again just to mock it.

He turned to Kirk for a split second, "See? It will never get up."

He heard a roar behind him and turned around and saw that the dinosaur was now standing. It ran at him and tried to eat him.

"Yikes!" Q yelled before running, "Wait a second! What am I doing?"

Q snapped his fingers and the dinosaur was gone. The fans began to _"boo"._

"You cheated!" Chekov yelled.

"And I don't care." Q replied.

"But you- "

"Shut up Chekov!" Q ordered.

"I am not shutting up. You cheated."

"So?"

"You cheated."

"And?"

"You cheated."

"Didn't I tell you to shut up."

"In Russia, we are never quiet."

Q sighed trying to think of a way to get Chekov to be quiet.

 **Author's Note: Done? So how did you like it? Was it lots of fun? I hope it was funny enough! Review!**


	4. Silence, My Brother

**Chapter 4: Silence, My Brother:**

 **Author's Note: Things are about to get even more awesomeness so hold on to your pants. I don't own Star Trek or any of the video games mentioned by being subtle or otherwise.**

"Maybe you should start saying I cheated in Russian. Maybe I'd be more annoyed." Q suggested smiling.

"Wait, why are you smiling like that?" Chekov replied.

"I'd like to play a little game and if you play fair maybe I won't give you an arrow to the knee or perform the black sacrement."

"What game can you possibly want me to play and how do I know you won't cheat?"

"Oh because whoever cheats will be face to face with something horrible."

"Like what?"

"Let's say assassins or maybe that dinosaur."

"Okay, what game then."

"Whoever can stay quietest the longest. We both have two more minutes to talk starting now."

"Oh, in Russia we play this game all the time. I'm gonna win."

"Against me? Ha!"

They both became absolutely silent. Q tried to get Chekov to laugh by performing ridiculous stunts like falling over into a pie, but Chekov didn't do so much as even smile. It was as if he were in another world and completely unaware of Q. Uhura and Picard both smirked at Q's pathetic attempt to get Chekov's attention.

"Q, I'm afraid you're going to be beaten." Picard mocked.

Q remained silent.

Riker caught on to what Picard was trying to do so joined in, "Yeh, you're too damned annoying to not be talking right now. I bet you want to tell me how wrong I am."

Uhura laughed at Q and then joined in as well, "Yeh, I bet you want to tell me that you aren't a stupid creature who just claims to be all knowing so you won't feel bad. I bet you aren't even all powerful either."

Q looked annoyed but stayed quiet.

"Yeh, you're not even smart enough to find a way to entetain yourself so you have to torment others."

"Yeh, and you're a big jerk!"

"And I still bet you will lose because you can't even be patient."

"You're mean and a big bully and don't deserve the powers you have."

"And you lie and cheat and are often wrong about things."

"And you just overall suck."

"Hey, that was just mean!" Q protested before quickly covering it up.

He then moved his hands, "Damn."

"Oh, how the mighty have fallen." Picard mocked.

Chekov smiled, "I win. You have to face assassins and no cheating this time."

Q sighed, "I rather just go away."

Chekov smirked, "Then go! Good for us then."

Q disappeared and Uhura smiled. Some of the fans began to look upset and most of them began looking for a way home. Suddenly, Kirk and his crew and Picard and his crew were now on the Enterprise D. Everything was back to normal almost except they weren't all on the proper Enterprise.

"I don't think Q was serious about leaving. I think he only said that to get out of trouble." Chekov said.

"Then what do we do about it?" Uhura asked.

"We drive him away for good." Riker replied.

"How do you suppose we do that?" Chekov asked.

Riker smirked and began to plan. Soon, they would all be home and Q wouldn't return.


	5. Hide and Go Seek

**Chapter 5: Hide and Go Seek:**

 **Author's Note: Hope you're all up for another game. I know I am. I don't own Star Trek.**

Riker noticed that two fans hadn't yet gone home and decided to use them for his plan, "Hey, err what's your names. Maybe you could find Q for us and bring him back."

"My name doesn't matter and why?" I asked.

"I'll give you an autograph if you do."

Margaret squeled in delight.

"Fine, but only because this one likes you for whatever reason, but if you glare at me then that'd be great." I said.

"Err... okay." Riker said.

So Margaret and I went on a quest to find Q. First, we searched the Enterprise. Then we beamed away and searched elsewhere. We found Q demonstrating his powers for some amazed aliens.

"Q, you have to go to the Enterprise."

"But why?" Q asked pouting.

"Cuz we said and Riker said."

"No mom."

"I'm not your mother and yes."

"Nooo!" Q said pouting even more.

"Stop acting like a baby and come now!"

"Okay fine, but this better not better a trick!"

Q snapped his fingers and the three of them were suddenly on the Enterprise, but everyone was gone. Everyone. Q and the two Star Trek fans looked around but everyone was nowhere to be found.

"I warned you not to trick me." Q said.

"But-"

Q snapped his fingers and suddenly I was a fly. Q then proceeded to look for any signs of anyone. He decided to try to use his powers but all he could bring was that stupid dinosaur. Nothing else. Eventually, he gave up looking and decided to make everyone come back. He did ridiculous things like paint the Enterprise pink to get someone- anyone's attention but no one showed.

"Oh, come on!" Q yelled, "I know you are here!"

 **(Star Trek)**

Meanwhile, hiding on so distant planet Riker laughed with Picard.

"I got to say number one this was a good idea." Picard commented.

"I know." Riker laughed, "I bet if we continue to out trick him, he would leave us alone because he's annoyed with us."

"I hope so. By the way, when's he going to find us?" Uhura asked.

"I don't know."

 **Author's Note: So, did you like it? What will happen next? Any wacky ideas? Review and more will come.**


	6. Tricks, Games, and Jump Scares

**Chapter 6: Tricks, Games, and Jump Scares:**

 **Author's Note: I hope you are prepared for more random wackiness and jump scares. I don't own Five Nights at Freddy's or the Star Trek franchises.**

"Where is everyone?" Q asked but no answer came.

He began looking elsewhere but the crew was still missing. He decided to try to use his power to appear where the crew was and it actually worked this time.

"Ha I found-" Q began only to be covered with pies.

Riker began to laugh at the face that Q made. Q calmly snapped his fingers to clean himself up and send to crew to their doom.

The crews of the Enterprise found themselves in an abandoned warehouse where it was very dark and seemingly empty. They could only look around but found nothing of interest except a flashlight with no batteries.

Uhura screamed as some mutated monster puppet jumped out out of nowhere. Similar puppets and people in suits continued to jump scare most of the Enterprise except Worf who didn't find it scary at all.

Uhura eventually stumbled into Chekov.

"Where are we?" Uhura asked.

"I think we're in a video game that-" Chekov began.

"Chekov, please be serious."

"But I am being serious."

Uhura looked at him disbelieving but asked, "What video game?"

"Five Nights at Freddy's or some cheap knockoff."

"And what do we do about it?"

"We find that Riker dude and find a way to get revenge on that Q guy."

"Ho-"

Suddenly an anomatronic jumped out. Uhura jumped a little and Chekov didn't seem bothered at all.

"Aren't you scared?"

"I was, but after a while, you begin to expect it so it stops being scary."

"Well, okay. Let's try to find that guy."

Uhura and Chekov searched the warehouse and eventually found the others.

"So now that we're all together are there any other plans to drive that Q guy away?" Uhura asked everyone but frowned only to receive silence.

"Maybe we can at least figure out a way out of this place?" Uhura said only to be meet with silence once more. Uhura and Chekov both screamed when they realized everyone was only an anomatronic and they jumped out at them. Both Uhura and Chekov ran.

"Okay, I take back what I said about it not being scary anymore. It still is scary." Chekov admitted.

"Well, yeh, but how are we supposed to find our real friends and crewmates?" Uhura asked.

"I don't know." Chekov said, "We can't even tell if they're real or not."

Q appeared, "Having fun?"

"No, get us out of this game and return our friends!"

"No." Q said disappearing.

"Wait, don't go!"

Q never returned. Uhura looked sad and Chekov looked a bit upset. They were lost.

 **Author's Note: So how did you like it? Did you like it? Review and tell me what you thought.**


	7. Vodka

**Chapter 7: Vodka:**

 **Author's Note: Sorry for the little wait. Little case of writer's block, but I am back! Enjoy the new chapter! I claim no ownership over Star Trek or its characters.**

Uhura and Chekov wandered through the abandoned warhouse lost and scared.

"Q, this isn't fair. At least give us a chance at escaping!" Chekov said.

Q didn't reply.

"Q?!"

There was only silence.

"Q, I'm trying to challenge you to a drinking competition." Chekov yelled.

"Alright, fine." Q said appearing in front of Chekov.

"Whoever can drink the most vodka wins? If I win you get us out of here?"

"Sure and if I win. You and your little friends say here forever and you get turned back into a flag."

"Deal."

"Are you sure you want to do this Chekov?" Uhura whispered to him.

"Don't worry. We play this game in Russia all the time. I know I can win." Chekov replied.

Q snapped his fingers and Vodka appeared. They each poured a glass and drank one. They each kept drinking and drinking one after the other with no looks of either of them slowing down, but they were both getting quite drunk.

"Youknowwhy I always messwith peoplein theuniverse?" Q asked drunkingly.

"Becauseyou're stupid andhave issues?" Chekov replied drukingly.

"No becausethe universeis stupid!"

Chekov rolled his eyes, "You're insecure."

"Shut up." Q said and started laughing.

"What'ssofunny?"

"You're head- your head looks like a peanut."

"You're drunk. Gemmeyourkeys. You're drunk."

"Noyou're drunk. Yougivemeyourkeys."

"Neither of you guys own cars. Cars haven't existed since two centuries ago." Uhura commented. She looked worried about the amount of alcohol they were consuming.

"Shut up!" Chekov said before laughing.

"I think both of you should stop drinking and find another way to resolve this." Uhura said.

"No! Thechallengemustgoon!" Q slurred.

They continued to drink and drink getting even more drunk as they continued. They started laughing at a penny on the warehouse floor. Uhura tried to convince them to stop again only to be laughed at so she gave up. Eventually, Q passed out. Uhura smiled.

"Chekov, you won!" Uhura shouted.

"Dan rig I won! Russians alwayswin!"

Chekov then passed out and Uhura looked from him to Q quite worriedly hoping to herself that Chekov didn't drink enough alcohol to kill him.

 **Author's Note: Wasn't that fun! I thought it was fun! What about you? Review!**


	8. Ultimate Defeat

**Chapter 8: Ultimate Defeat:**

 **Author's Note: Sorry this took a little while. But I'm back. I don't own any Star Trek or the characters. Enjoy the show!**

Chekov moaned as he woke up with a massive hangover. He could swear he heard his heart pounding in his ears and then he realized something that made him smile. He had won the drinking contest which meant Q had to transport all of them out of this nightmarish video game world. He smirked widely and looked at Q.

Q opened his eyes and saw Chekov smirking at him. He instantly realized that Chekov had won. It should have been impossible considering he was the all powerful Q, but stranger things have happened. He sighed. He considered going back on his promise briefly but he was getting this awful glare from Uhura that just bothered him so deeply. He had to do the right thing as annoying as it was.

"Well I guess I have to transport you guys back to one of the Enterprises." Q said.

"Yeh, you better." Uhura threatened.

Q smiled as he got an idea and snapped his fingers and suddenly they were all on the Enterprise but the two fans were now hungry zombies.

"So how does it feel to- what the hell?! I am not food!" Chekov said as one of the fangirls tried to bite him.

"Q!" Picard shouted.

"What? I was bored." Q said.

"Q, change them back!" Uhura and Picard yelled.

"Why? They're more fun this way."

"Q!"

"Give me one reason to change them back."

"One of them is about to bite you."

"No she- it isn't- ow."

Q frowned as one of the fans had biten his left arm.

"Well, at least I can't turn into a zombie and I can heal myself."

"You still should change them back before they take off your whole arm."

"Okay, okay. I'll change them back, jeez."

Q snapped his fingers and the fans were back to normal.

Before Q could think of another scheme, Riker walked over and purposely stepped on Q's foot.

"Ow, hey!" Q said.

"Go away or there's more where that came from." Riker threatened.

"You stop or get stolen by a dragon."

"I bet you won't."

"Try me."

"Okay."

Riker began poking Q and Q looked annoyed. The others caught on to what Riker was trying to do and poked Q as well.

"You lost to a mortal at drinking." Chekov boasted while he poked.

"How does it feel?"

"Are you a sore loser?"

"Does it feel nice to lose?"

"Want to share a drink of loserade?"

Q soon began to lose patience and began to plan on what horrible fate he was going to bring to the ship and the crew next. He smirked as he thought and soon tuned out Chekov's gloating.

 **Author's Note: So what madness shall Q think of next. Please give suggestions because I am clearly running out of ideas and also don't forget to review. If I get an awesome idea, I might give you a thanksgiving gift of another chapter! :D! 8D!**


	9. Child Q

**Chapter 9: Child Q:**

 **Author's Note: Thanks for all the ideas, but I got some ideas of my own. Sorry if I don't use your ideas. I don't own Star Trek.**

Q snapped his fingers and suddenly live animals were all over the bridge. There were turkeys, pigs, cows, tribbles and rabbits. The crews of the Enterprise were so surprised that they stopped poking Q for a moment and that small moment was long enough for Q to get away.

"Q, what did you-" Picard began but when he looked around Q was already gone.

Meanwhile, Q began to plot revenge and he smiled as he got an idea. He transported himself back to the Enterprise as a naked child.

"What the- who let a child onto my bridge?!" Picard asked angrily.

Q laughed and peed all over Picard's leg and ran off before anyone could catch him. He then went from quarter to quarter wetting the beds and drawing on the walls and eating all the pills that looked like candy as if he were a three year old. He laughed as he got to Guinan's room and cut holes in all her hats. Guinan came in to Q doing this and immediately sensed it was Q.

"Q?! What are you doing?! Get out of here!" Guinan said quite disappointed to see all her hats destroyed.

Q laughed and ran off.

Meanwhile, animals that weren't even there before seemed to appear out of nowhere. Chekov was surprised to find a goat chewing on his clothes. Uhura squeled in horror as mice and cockroaches began to swarm her. Worf was trying to "catch" a crafty cat that marked his territory all over Worf's leg. Picard was trying to keep distance from some not to pleased dogs. Sulu kept getting hit by raining tribbles. It was chaos on the bridge.

"Q!" Picard yelled as loud as he could.

Q laughed and appeared as a child and tagged Picard.

"You're it!" Q said.

"I have no time for games, Q!" Picard yelled.

"How do you know that I'm Q?"

"Because you came here out of nowhere. Now clean up this mess of animals!"

"No, I like them!" Q pouted.

"Stop acting like a child and get these animals off my bridge."

"No!"

"Now Q!"

"No!"

Picard sighed and just became silent.

"Picard?"

Picard remained silent.

"Pocirld?"

Picard remained silent.

Q rolled his eyes. Neither of them would speak to the other and eventually both were as silent as motionless as statues.

 **Author's Note: Review and tell me if you loved it or not. 8D! Virtual cookies if you do. 8D!**


	10. Rules of Silence

**Chapter 10: Rules of Silence:**

 **Author's Note: I'm back again. Sorry Snowfrost but I can't find the video you're talking about. I looked. :/. I don't own Star Trek or Q or anything else except the story itself. Hope you all like the chapter.**

Picard and Q remained silent.

"Q," Chekov whispered into his ear.

"Q."

"Q."

"Q."

"Q."

"Q."

Chekov smiled as he saw the annoyance begin to show on Q's face. He continued to say Q many more times before Q showed signs that he was giving up this length of silence.

"What Chekov?!" He practically yelled.

"Hi." Chekov said.

"Hi?! You made me break my silence to say hi?!" Q asked annoyed and angry.

"Yes."

Q snapped his fingers and Chekov was a flute. Picard didn't even so much as show his disapproval. He did nothing except remain silent.

"Dammit Picard!"

Picard continued to ignore him.

"Fine! Have it your way. I will remove the animals from the bridge."

Then, Q snapped his fingers and every animal was gone, but Picard only smirked for a split second before remaining silent. Q stomped his feet like a child, poked Picard, but Picard remained silent.

"Fine. I will turn Chekov back. Is that what you want?!" Q asked irritated.

Q snapped his fingers and Chekov was human again.

"Wow, I really could have played myself!" Chekov laughed.

Q rolled his eyes and turned to Picard who remained silent.

"What do you want from me?! Why won't you speak?!"

Picard remained silent. Q crossed his arms and tried to get Picard's attention by waving in front of him, but Picard continued to ignore Q.

"I give up!" Q said after hours of Picard's silence.

He snapped his fingers again and everything was back to normal. Everyone was back on the correct Enterprise and nothing was damaged.

"Thank you, Q. If you mess with us again, I will continue my silence. Perhaps for longer next time." Picard said.

Q looked relieved that Picard was finally speaking.

"Oh, I wouldn't dream of it." Q said smirking slightly and winking.

Picard looked suspicious as Q finally disappeared. It was over for now.

 **Author's Note: This will probably be my last chapter on this story, but I may add some sort of sequel or something after this if I'm motivated enough. Hope you enjoyed it! Review please but please don't hound me on not showing cupcakes. Yes, I know I could have looked harder for the video. No flames okay.**


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